Songs of the Heart
by Talking Hawk
Summary: Switching from Sam to Frodo's POV, what would have happened if Frodo didn't take his friend with him. Includes Dido's "Here With Me" and N*SYNC's "Thinking of You." No slash.
1. I Won't Go

I Won't Go  
  
By Talking Hawk  
  
Author's Note: The song in this fanfic is marked by brackets, and is a slightly altered version of "Here With Me" by Dido. I obviously didn't just make it up… Also, just so you know, Sam's not schizophrenic; he just talks to himself.  
  
[I didn't hear you leave  
  
I wonder how am I still here]  
  
I sat quietly on the bank of the river, arms hanging over my knees as I watched the disappearing boat with Mr. Frodo in it. My heart ached, and tears flowed freely down my face. When I had happened upon him rowing away across the stream, I cried out for him to stop, but he refused to look back. He was going to Mordor alone.  
  
[And I don't want to take in a thing  
  
For it might change my memory]  
  
I stared out over the water's surface, trying to absorb as much of the sight of Frodo as the Gods would permit me. My mind reassured me, 'Oh, he'll come back,' but my heart knew the truth. I would never see my dear friend again. And yet another part of me tried to turn my eyes away from the hobbit. If my last remaining memory of Mr. Frodo were of him abandoning me, surely my memory of him would be tainted. But I didn't want that, but I didn't want to turn away either. If I were with him, I would never turn away.  
  
[Oh, I am what I am  
  
I do what I want]  
  
My eyes drooped sadly from the sight of my friend going into evil's arms alone. 'Why would he want you along?' I thought to myself. 'I would only get in the way, because I'm always doing stupid things,' I scolded myself. I recalled the battle in the Mines of Moria with the goblins and the cave troll. If I hadn't been so intent on whacking goblins with my cooking utensils, I argued, I would have been doing what I was supposed to be doing – protecting the ring-bearer, Frodo. The other part of my mind argued, You do what you want, but Frodo knows you have the right intentions. Yeah? the opposing side countered, Frodo would willingly leave behind friends with "good intentions."  
  
[But I can't hide  
  
I won't go  
  
I won't sleep  
  
Until you're sitting here with me]  
  
Legolas appeared out of the forest, an absorbed look on his face. When he saw Mr. Frodo in the boat, his eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise. He looked from me, sitting on the banks, to Frodo, and asked, "What is he doing?"  
  
"He's going to Mordor alone," I said, and burst into tears once more. Legolas' eyes grew sad, then he kneeled next to me, rubbing my back with his friend. "I'm so sorry, Sam…" he said soothingly, trying to think of something more comforting to say. "But we can still catch up with him." I looked up slowly at him with my weepy eyes.  
  
"I'm afraid that's not an option," a voice said from behind us. It was Strider, carrying a body – Boromir's. As I turned around, my eyes grew alarmingly wide. "Boromir…" I whispered. Aragorn took in a sigh, and set the corpse down next to a tree. Gimli appeared out of the woods behind the former ranger.  
  
"After giving Boromir his last rights, we must track down Pippin and Merry," Aragorn said, putting the other man's shield and sword into one of the two remaining boats. My eyebrow lifted in question, and Legolas said carefully, "They were kidnapped by the orks." I looked at the elf, and my mouth shuddered as I began to sob again. It was as if I was in a separate universe – everything was lost.  
  
After a half an hour went by in silence, Aragorn pushed the boat carrying Boromir's body into the river. It flowed slowly with the current, then disappeared dramatically over the waterfall's edge. We all stood respectfully, but then I turned to the remaining human. "I can't go," I said slowly, looking down at the pebbles beneath my bare feet. "I must follow Frodo."  
  
Aragorn held out his arm across the bank and asked in a frustrated tone, "How do you think you'll catch up with him? He's on the other side of the bank, Samwise. No, you will be much safer with us." My eyes widened in astonishment. "I have to protect him! He'll get hurt out there all by himself." "He can take care of himself," the human reassured, but I know that he wasn't really sure himself. "We will rest here for the night, and then first thing we'll track down the orks," he told me and the other two remaining members of the Fellowship. I narrowed my eyes, but didn't utter a word.  
  
[I won't leave  
  
I can't hide  
  
I cannot be  
  
Until you're sitting here with me]  
  
Once the hungry warriors had gobbled down the dinner I had prepared for them with a glare in my eyes, they retired to bed. I returned to my seat on the banks of the river, gazing at the empty white boat on the opposite side. Oh why, oh why did Mr. Frodo have to leave without me?  
  
[I don't want to call my friends, for they might wake me up from this dream. And I can't leave this bank. I would risk forgetting all that's been.] My eyes were covered from seeing a solution; my only option seemed to be to leave with Aragorn and the others, and take the chance of never seeing Mr. Frodo again. I tried to figure out what to do.  
  
'What do you want?' I asked myself. 'To be with Frodo,' I replied. 'Then do it.' I stared out quietly across the moonlit river once more, and a ghost of a smile returned to my lips. Yes.  
  
I rose to my feet, and approached the last of the boats from Lothlorien. With a determined smile, I rose up its end and pushed it across the pebbles as quietly as I could. I lifted myself over the side, took a seat at its back, and brandished a paddle once the boat splashed into the cool water.  
  
"I'm coming, Mr. Frodo," I whispered, eyes set upon the Eastern shore.  
  
[Oh, I am what I am  
  
I'll do what I want  
  
But I can't hide  
  
I won't go  
  
I won't sleep  
  
Until you're sitting here with me.] 


	2. Thinking of You

Thinking of You  
  
By Talking Hawk  
  
Author's Note: So this is the fate of a non-slash fanfiction writer… I'm stuck with only boy band CDs, and I had to find a song for this fanfic! (gurgles at the mouth in frustration) Don't get me wrong… I like N*SYNC and stuff, but…do you know how hard it is to find a not-really-slashy- sounding N*SYNC song?! o_O Sorry about that… Maybe if you don't write in your reviews, "That would've been really sweet if it was a slash," or, "My toosh, that's not a slash!" I won't chuck rocks at you…hehehe! =) J/k, except for the please-don't-copy-these-quotes-in-any-way-shape-or-form thing…  
  
'You are a fool,' I think bitterly to myself. I wrinkle my nose, and angrily throw a twig into the pitiful fire I have set up at my "camp." It is now night; it has been hours since my voyage across the Great River, forever putting a barrier between my friends and I. Before now, I always thought that I was doing the best for all of them by leaving – the heroic Aragorn, the easily swayed Boromir, of whom I hold no hate for. It is not his fault. As the lady Galadriel had warned me, "The hearts of men are easily corrupted, and always have been." I am a fool.  
  
'Oh,' I curse myself, 'what a fool thout are!' Back in the Mines of Moria, it should have been I that dear Gandalf should have shouted at in retribution, "You fool of a hobbit! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!" Somehow, however, this hadn't turned out the way it should of. It felt like I still hadn't rid the others of my stupidity, or anything else of me, for that matter.  
  
They were all probably grieving hopelessly right now, blaming themselves for my naïve foolishness. I had thought that by me leaving, I would be sparing them. Now I probably was the cause of tears in their mournful eyes – my beloved cousins Pippin and Merry, the elf Legolas, perhaps even the dwarf Gimli, whose father had traveled with Bilbo to the Lonely Mountain and recovered its lost treasure. I hastened in recalling the painful memory of all but one. The memory of Him would be too torturesome.  
  
I couldn't. I shouldn't. But I did…  
  
  
  
[Embraced in your arms  
  
So close together  
  
Didn't know what I had.]  
  
  
  
I attempted to settle down into my bedroll, but not even the soft fabric was comforting. Never so much did I need that friend that for, too many years, did I take for granted, assuring myself that he would always be there. Never in my wildest dreams could he be swallowed by death or disease. He would always be there. But then I, being the confounded fool I am, disposed of him myself. I left him. I ran away, and didn't look back.  
  
[Now I toss and turn  
  
'Cause I'm without you  
  
How I'm missing you so bad.]  
  
How is it, I wonder, that one can love someone so much, but then do such a hateful thing as to leave them? Oh, I tried to convince myself that the act was done out of love, out of compassion. But then seeing how cold my heart was in leaving them, I could only imagine how this could be affecting Him. Oh, how could I have done this?  
  
  
  
[Where was my head?  
  
Where was my heart?  
  
Now I cry alone in the dark.]  
  
  
  
Tears of grief, and tears of regret begin taking their long trek down my cheeks. I do not, in any way, intervene in their flow. My hands were frozen with sadness. They could not wipe these tears away, for somehow, they were shedding their own.  
  
  
  
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy  
  
Drive myself crazy, thinking of you  
  
Made a mistake when I let you go  
  
I drive myself crazy  
  
Wanting you the way that I do.]  
  
  
  
Sounds fill my ears. O, the cursed sounds!  
  
They were of such harmless things, like the birds in the trees, and the squirrels scampering away with their acorns in content. When I was amongst the members of the Fellowship, I always felt safe. Even with Him, I knew that evil things could not befall me – and if they did, He would be there to pick me up again. But now, utterly alone, I had no one. I wasn't safe.  
  
And even if I was, my heart never did ache so much as it did for my dear friend right now.  
  
[I was such a fool. I couldn't see it - just how good you were to me.] Oh, deep within in my soul, I really did love Him. He was my brother, my confedante, my friend. However, I took the hobbit for granted, and nothing ever forced me to see how deeply and genuinely I loved my friend. Oh, why couldn't something have forced me to see this before now?  
  
  
  
[You confessed your love  
  
Undying devotion.]  
  
  
  
More than once, He told me how he felt. He loved me just as much as I him. But, oh, how I always brushed away the words, taking it for the exclamation of a silly child. Never once did I take the words to heart. O, brother, why did I do this to you? Why did I do this to myself?  
  
  
  
[I confessed my need to be free  
  
And now I'm left  
  
With all this pain  
  
I've only got myself to blame.  
  
  
  
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy  
  
Drive myself crazy thinking of you  
  
Made a mistake when I let you go  
  
I drive myself crazy  
  
Wanting you the way that I do.]  
  
  
  
[Why didn't I know it? How much I loved you, Sam. Why couldn't I show it?] I am a prideful fool. If I had but known! [If I had only told you when I had the chance…] Perhaps, then, I wouldn't be in such suffering now. Why didn't I take the chance, the opportunity? [Oh, I had the chance.]  
  
A new sound filled my ears, other than the sound of my regretful tears. The sound of footsteps. I sat up, now filled more with fear than of sorrow. It was an orc, or a Ringwraith. I knew it! It was my end, and I never told him… Oh, curse be me, I didn't TELL him!…  
  
A figure appeared, hidden in the shadows. It was very dark, but despite my terror, I narrowed my eyes, trying to see whatever it was more clearly. I was scared, but in my mind, if I was going to die, I might as well know who my killer will be…  
  
It stepped forward. Astonished by this forewardness, I snap my eyes shut, fear overtaking me. I didn't want to know what it was anymore. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be HOME again! Oh, merciful Gods, take me from this place now! I beg of thee…  
  
Nothing comes. No sword, no killing blow. Absolutely, and utterly, nothing.  
  
Ever so slowly, I open my cowering eyes. The first thing I see are two bare feet. Bare feet? Even with hair on them! I blink in confusion, and nothing registering, I lift my gaze. Pants that went up to the calves, a pale blue vest, a white shirt, and then a face…  
  
"Mr. Frodo…?" he whispers, his eyes filled with worry. I gawk at this point, astonishment running its course through my body. I could not move. I could not speak. The realization came to me almost immediately – he had followed me…  
  
Taking my disbelief for dismay, he rushed forward, falling to his knees, pleading, "Oh, forgive me, Mr. Frodo!" He seized my frozen hand, shaking his head, tears streaming down his face before I could react. "I know you wanted to go alone, but I didn't listen. Please, don't be upset with me!"  
  
If it was possible, my jaw fell even more. I had been in such despair that it was an unthinkable idea that I wouldn't be filled with happiness at the sight of a familiar face. However, I suppose that I gawking at him wasn't helping in conveying this message…  
  
Emotion taking over me, I threw my arms around his neck, pressing his face into my shoulder. "Don't cry, Sam. Don't cry…" I crooned as I once had when he was a wee hobbit boy, teary-eyed over a scraped knee. My embrace still had an endearing effect – in a matter of moments, his weeping ceased. His shoulders ceased shaking.  
  
"'Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee,'" he quoted Gandalf feebly as I released him from my embrace. His eyes were lowered, and he whispered, "And I don't mean to, Mr. Frodo. I don't mean to…"  
  
"I know," I said hoarsely, wiping away the tears that threatened to trickle – even flood – down my face once more. He looked up at me, a look of surprise in his eyes. I had never awknowledged his loyalty to me, in all the years I had known him. Never once did I tell him… Such wasted years.  
  
I wiped a hand over his wet cheek, acting as I once did so long ago back in Hobbiton. I had never allowed him to cry for long, whether it be over a busted toe or hurt feelings caused by his brothers. Oh, I hated it so when he cried…  
  
He was surprised by the gesture, but I merely smile, moving my hand to dry the other tear-streaked cheek. However, when he feels the touch of my fingertips, he quickly snatches my hand into his own. He stares down at it as he cups his other hand around mine. I blink at him.  
  
He presses my hand to his chin thoughtfully and says, not meeting my eyes, "Do not bother, Mr. Frodo. I fear that I have many more tears to shed before this quest of ours is over…"  
  
I chuckle softly, picking up a corner of my blanket with my free hand. Smiling, I wipe its edge over the glimmering side of his face. He looks up at me curiously, and I explain gently, "Perhaps, my dear friend… But I will always be there to dry them again, once more."  
  
Finally, the tears were gone. However, Samwise was right – we still had many more yet to shed. But, that's why we had each other, and perhaps, the reason he followed me. …We needed our "human" handkerchiefs.  
  
Author's Second Note: I forgot to mention that the song was N*SYNC's "Thinking of You (I Drive Myself Crazy)"… Oh, and I'm sorry if my first author's note made any slash-writers mad/upset…it was unintentional… 


End file.
